...every once in a while you just wanna take stuff back, don't ya? I just wish some times you could go back and forth whenever you wanted, kind of like in the video for REM's "Imitation Of Life". It's actually a brilliant video, seemingly done in one singular shot in which "life" goes backwards and forwards. I think it would just be nice every once in a while to have a fast-forward and rewind button for life. Kinda like "Click", but without the sad ending.
This morning I was on my way to work, and I had a pretty bad tic-attack. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed about 4 or 5 years ago with Tourette's Syndrome. I didn't get the kind you always hear about on TV and movies - the kind where people are randomly shouting obscenities. That particular kind of the syndrome only counts for about 3% of all TS patients, if that. I guess it's just the "funniest" kind of it, so that's what Hollywood picked up on and portrays in movies, so that's what everyone thinks of. I don't personally get offended by that - I get quite a kick out of it occasionally, because I know it's not accurate. I guess I feel like since I've got it, I can make fun of it - kind of like someone that I know very well that makes jokes about Down's Syndrome, because his little brother has it - it's kind of a coping mechanism.
The main tic I have is kind of an eye rolling thing - almost like I'm trying to "look at" a particular place in the back of my head. That was the first thing that happened that made me aware that something weird was happening to my body. After a year or so I started developing more tics - tongue clicking, and some other things, that would kind of take over so I wasn't rolling my eyes constantly - almost another kind of defense mechanism, ensuring that I wouldn't be closing my eyes so much that I would, oh, I don't know, wreck my car!
My tics have waxed and waned over time - usually on pretty much a monthly cycle. I'll go through a couple of weeks of relative normalcy followed by a week or so of pretty bad tics. I guess this week is my really bad tic week. On my way to work I started having a really bad tic-attack - something that's pretty rare, but does occasionally happen (it usually happens when I get stressed). I looked around and made sure there were no other cars around me - otherwise I probably would have just gotten off of the road. I never let it be a danger to either myself or anyone else! Luckily I'm not as progressed as many others with TS - there are some who really do a lot of physical damage to themselves (if you're interested, please read Against Medical Advice - an extremely interesting, and occasionally disturbing and very sad true story). My mind knows when to say when on many things that would be much more detrimental to other TS patients.
Anyway, during this particular attack, things just got bad enough that I guess my mind said "enough's enough", and before I even knew what was going on, I had punched myself in the side of the head and was screaming at myself to stop this crap. After that, I seemed to be okay, and I made my way onto work, where I had another normal day.
Hopefully I haven't gotten too deep with all of this, nor have I put anyone off - I definitely don't mean to do that! Like I said, though, I want to be completely honest with this blog, and, unfortunately, this is a part of my life that I deal with every day. I've read in certain places that I may actually "outgrow" this. It's actually kind of rare for someone my age to have Tourette's. I hope and pray every day that I do get past this. Until then, I do what I can to lessen my stress. Painting is a huge part of this. Any time I can concentrate on something, usually I can get rid of the tics for a while.
Wow. That was deep. Go on about your day now - and don't worry 'bout poor little me! :-D No, seriously! I'll be fine, dude! Hopefully there'll be no more black and blue in this painting! W00T!
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